The Forgotten

When your child is sick you quickly forget their typical everyday personalities. All you can seem to think of or remember is the non stop crying and whining, and the pulling on your leg with the need to constantly be held. Its like your memory of that once sweet and vibrant child has been quickly been replaced with a monster that terrorizes you at all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning. You go to bed dreading the morning and you wake up dreading the evening, you're constantly living in fear of your child and for your child. I lay in bed at night clinging to they happy memories that haven't been vanquished by the untamed beast lay sleeping so lightly two doors down. I lay there completely still, unmoving. One wrong breath or if you blink your eyes to fast it may wake up and storm your room with anger and vengeance. Daggers gouging from its eyes and fire forcefully shooting from it's mouth. So I lay there still, hoping, praying that tonight the beast lay silent in a deep sleep and tomorrow my little girl is the one that opens her bedroom door.

Lucky for me this morning Amie was the one that opened the bedroom door and skipped happily to my bedside this morning. Oh how I have missed her sweet songs, her giggles, and her smiles. Today she actually played all on her own, she no longer needed mommy. I am happy about that, but a little sad too that she no longer wants to cuddle and give me hugs. She is happy now, she feels better now. How quickly we remember all that we have forgotten about or little ones. You know, when I think about it I don't think that we truly forget, I think those memories have just been misplaced!

Nasty Case of the Yuckys

Most of the time I truly love being a stay at home mom. I love being the one to teach her all the things that she knows and watching her grow up before my eyes and not through some daycare persons eyes. I love being the one that gets to potty train her and and explore the world with her, I love just being with her. I love watching her smile, sing and dance. There is one thing that is terribly hard for me to watch though, and it is her suffering. I have watched her for a little over three days now crying in pain because she can't get comfortable because she doesn't feel good. I have watched her temp go up and down and back up again. I have watched the tears roll out of her eyes when I tell her that there is only one more bite of medicine, and she only needs to blow her nose one more time. I hate watching her like this, there is so little that I can do. It breaks my heart to shove medicine down her throat and having her fight back gaging because it tastes so bad. It kills me that she can't sleep because she is uncomfortable and she really needs to be sleeping. I hate that every time I touch her she feels so warm and I have to tell her that we can't go out and play. I hate looking at such beautiful days from inside, I hate watching Amie looking at beautiful days from inside. I hate it when Amie is sick. I hate that there is so very little that I can do for her.

But...

I do love the cuddles, loves and all the extra snuggle time. I do love that she wants me and she at least feels better when she snuggles in close to me. Soon she will be better and will want nothing to do with me again and to tell the truth, that is OK with me!

Zero to Sixty

Why is it that little kids are like an emotional roller coaster?? They are like menopausal, bipolar, pubescent, menstrual, and tweens all rolled up into one hormonal little body all under the age of three! How is this possible?? Should I be dealing with this all now?? Don't I have more time?? I feel like I should have more time! Here we are sitting here having fun, enjoying ourselves and WHAM I have royally pissed off my daughter by merely looking at her wrong and she is throwing a fit of a life time, A LIFE TIME!! At these times it can be hard to stay calm, especially when the overly sensitive behavior has been going on for an hour and it's just getting to be extremely ridiculous! I should be able to look at my daughter with out her throwing herself on the floor, or touch her with out her squealing and screaming at me. Just when I am about to pack her up and send her back, she is fine. All smiles and happy and playing again like nothing ever happened. Is this a joke? Is this really happening to me? Is this officially the terrible twos?

Amie can be so sweet and loving, like my mother always told me ( she told me this A LOT), the nursery rhyme : there was a little girl with a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was really really good but when she was bad she was HORRID! Well, I can't believe that I was EVER that bad, but surely that nursery rhyme is Amie to the T! Is it true of all little girls? I'm sure there are children out there that are just horrid all the time ( I feel for those parents). But, during times like this when Amie is screaming and crying at me periodically all day long I could go insane! I feel my blood boiling, my face turning red, my blood pressure rising, and I scream at her , "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??". The truth is she doesn't know what she wants me to do or even what she wants to do about it. I see it upset her even more, then I feel down right terrible. I screamed at my baby during a moment of weakness. Have I scarred her for life?? Will she ever remember my red face, bursting in anger yelling at her? I feel like she will never forget. I now feel horrible despair. What if she grows up to hate me? I feel like a terrible parent, like a horrific mother. 90% of these times I just let it roll right off my back, and ignore her. But today, fits like these are very hard to take. it's like she continually pushes the "don't push" button over and over and over and over again.

Then, just now she goes and puts herself in bed for nap. She lays there quietly, singing to herself. Maybe a little scarred, maybe not. She is sweet now, and I only feel worse. Now she has forgotten, I feel a bit better, little kids are so resilient.

The Simple Life

Ya know, my daughter has it all. She has the best most simple life anybody could ask for. If I could just see for one minute the world how she sees it or think for just one second how she thinks, I believe I would be living in a constant bliss. Just this morning as Amie lay in bed next to me smiling, and talking about her boo boo that she got on her knee yesterday from her bike. Ever since she got her boo boo she hasn't stopped talking about it, how is it that something so little effects a little child for several days after?? Anyways, in mid sentence while talking about her boo boo she stopped and looked at her tummy. She watched it go up and down, up and down as she breathed. Then she put her hand on her tummy and watched her hand go up and down, up and down. She was absolutely fascinated by this. At that point I would have loved to know what she was thinking, what was going through that beautiful head of hers?

Just this morning I was going through some pictures on my digital camera and found several pictures that Amie had taken her self, secretly! She had probably thought that she had gotten away with it, but I had the whole crime scene that she caught on camera. I could see how she got on top the counter. Yup, she took a picture of it , she used her booster seat literally to boost her to the counter. Then she proceeded to take several pictures of her self, all by accident I'm sure. I have a picture of her eye, a picture of her nose, a partial picture of her face, a picture of her feet standing on the booster seat. I bet she had a blast. Then I think to myself, "what the hell was I doing that she was able to play with my camera for so long and then conceal the evidence for several days"?? I'm sure that when she put the camera back she had thought that she got away with it, I'm sure that she has forgotten that moment by now, or maybe not. Maybe she still thinks she's gotten away with it. As far as I am concerned it's done and over with no point in bringing it up. So yes, Amie did get away with an almost perfect crime. If only in the future when committing crimes she would do me the honor of catching it on the camera again. To live in a world where you commit a crime, get caught on camera and all if forgiven and forgotten.

To live in this simple happy world of hers where everyday she lives in the moment and at that moment she is obsessed with a boo boo, or elephants. For like a week strait when we were in CA all Amie could talk about was elephants and the noises they made. Everything everywhere was all about elephants! I wish I could have that again. Just live in the moment. Kids are so simple yet so complex at the same time. I think that's why they are so great!

Hubby

I am very blessed and I am very thankful that I am able to stay at home with my daughter and have a husband that respects and understands me enough to let me do what it is I do best. I feel like sometimes dads get the short end of the stick when it comes to that kinda stuff. Since I've started staying at home with Amie, Amie and I have a much greater bond than we ever did before. I find that Amie wants me when she feels sad or is hurt. She wants me to get her ready or change her diaper. She wants me to play with her and its not because my husband never does those things or doesn't want to do those things with her. It's because she spends so much time with me. It's because she only gets a few hours a day with daddy, and though those hours are mostly fun filled and she is thrilled to see him, she still prefers me. It does make me feel sad for my husband. I think that is makes him feel bad to sometimes. He doesn't ever say anything though, but I can sometimes see it in his eyes when she refuses to give him a hug or kiss and runs to me instead. I can't help but think that sometimes dads get a little left out. I know it breaks my heart when Amie wont come to me or give me hugs. To get rejected on a daily basis has got to be heart breaking for dads. It hurts me to see it happen.

Amie does love her daddy though. She screams when he comes home and runs to meet him at the door. She asks to kiss the picture of daddy hanging on the wall at home and talks about him during the day. She wont go to bed unless daddy has tucked her in and given her a good "Squeeze" and kisses goodnight. Amie loves her daddy very much and misses him everyday. Regardless of how Amie may sometimes act to her father I know she misses him and loves him very much. He is a huge part of her life. If he thinks its bad now, just wait till she's a tween. Let the good times roll then!

So TIERD!

Being just a stay at home mom is exhausting, but when you are an athletic and active stay at home mom like me it is even more exhausting! Right now I am in my prime, I'm 28 years old, I'm young, vibrant and must say beautiful, so why is it I am so tired? Being a stay at home mom is hardly work right? It doesn't quite qualify as a job. I don't think that a lot of people understand what a stay at home mom does all day, most think that we sit around and play all day. Well, I'm sorry to say, that, that is not the case. Not even close!

We are house keepers, the police force (keepers of the peace), personal chefs (and we don't even get tips!), personal chauffeurs , jesters (yet nobody is laughing), personal play mates, caregivers, doctors, therapists, accountants, and the dry cleaning service. Stay at home moms do all of these things yet, nobody really looks at stay at home moms as being even one of these things. If I charged for all of the things I did as a stay at home mom I would be a millionaire! Yet, I do all of these things out of the love, and kindness of my heart.

Not only do I do all of these things I also still manage to find time to train for a triathlon (which I am regretting right about now). My work outs have gotten ridiculous. Yesterday I worked out nearly two and a half hours and when I was done I could hardly move, yet I had to give Amie a bath, feed myself, put Amie to bed, then put myself to bed. But everything I do, I do because I love it so much. I am a capable person, I have no excuses. My legs work, I'm a fully functioning human being, so why not use every bit of my ability, every bit of of my energy and make something of myself? Do something that I love? I'd like to think that at some point it will get better, that maybe I wont always be this tired. I just hope that my daughter sees my drive, sees my fight, and does the same. I want her to fight for what she wants, to go out and take it.

That she doesn't quite because its "too hard". That when she sees what she wants, and wants it bad enough, and works hard enough she can have it, what ever it is.

I hope that one day I'm running races with her. I hope that one day I'm running a race with her and she passes me. I hope she excels in all that she does. I want her to see that Mom wasn't a quitter, that Mom was a fighter, and that she can be too. Yeah, I'm tired. Yeah, it sucks, for right now. But I'm happy, Amie's happy, my husbands happy and that is all that really matters ti me!

Love strokes

This morning I was sitting down and Amie walks up to me and gently strokes the side of my cheek with the palm her little hand. I looked at her kinda surprised, and as she looked at me smiling she opened her lips and softly said "Love you mommy!" I thought I was going to start bawling then and there. She has never told me that she loved me before with out me telling her first that I loved her. Then, she walked over to Daisy and stroked the side of Daisy's face and said, "Love you Daisy". Then she stroked her own cheek with the palm of her hand and said "Love you, awww!". What a sweet little girl I have raised! Just had to share!

Sea World

(sorry its taken so long to get this post up, had problems down loading pics)

The first real fun place we all went to was Sea World. I think of all the places we visited (there wasn't many) this was Amies favorite. She has a huge thing for "fishies" and boy did she get to see her fair share of them. The first fishies we saw was the Dolphins (I know these arn't really "Fish"), Amie just oooh'd and Aaaah'd at how neat they were. She had never seen Dolphins in person before, only in books! She was so excited, she giggled, pointed, and ran around looking at them shouting, "Dolphin, dolphin, oooh dolphin yeah!". As a matter of fact almost all of the fish made her laugh, smile, and jump for joy.

She absolutely loved the shows as well, we saw the seal show, the pet show and the whale show. She watched the seal show in pure amazement. The look on her face priceless, almost like she couldn't believe what she saw! I don't think she could, after we saw the huge albino seal that was twice the size of the other seals!

She also enjoyed walking down to visit the seals. We arrived right around feeding time so they were barking and grunting for food that could be purchased as the birds waited to patiently to swoop in and steal the fish. When the feeding frenzy started birds were flying everywhere! At one point a bird flew so close to me that its wing hit me in the head. Amie loved this so much, she had never seen anything like it before!

After the seal show we saw many more different types of fish. She spend most of the morning walking right up to the aquariums and pushing her face up against the glass in awe. Slowly though she became more terrified of the fish inside of the aquarium the closer it came to nap time. It got to a point where she wouldn't even go near them unless she was being held. One Animal that Amie was quite terrified of was the walrus's. They fed right up against the glass and spooked Amie so bad she began to scream! Luckily for us, soon after she passed out!

We all enjoyed Sea world very much, it was a great first visit for Amie. She has a great love for Fishies and other animals.

The Big Trip

Preface: Well, as you all know or should know I went on a long trip to CA with my daughter Amie. I had wanted to write on my blog while I was there, but...as with most vacations I got a bit lazy and decided not too. So now I will do my best to fill you all in.

Amie had gotten very excited about the big trip, I tried to explain it to her the best that I could in toddler terms (or what I call caveman language) and she seemed to understand that she was going some where and had gotten very excited to see Grandma and Grandpa. But, i don't think the reality of it all sunk in until we boarded the little pane to Chicago. The first plane flight was nothing short of torture! Before we had even boarded the plane she had started kicking, screaming and fighting me all of the way down the terminal. I turned back to look at all of the people lining up behind me and saw the tortured and spiteful looks on the faces. "Oh, God! please help me!" I begged silently as I looked down at my daughters tear stained bright red face. Getting her on the plane literally was like tyring to force a dead horse to drink water. She wanted nothing to do with it. The line of people with impatiently tapping feet behind me began to slowly get larger. With my heart beginning to race, my face turning red, and my eyes welling up with tears I carried her into the plane kicking and screaming all of the way to the back.

The wait for the plane to take off was dreadful, though we were very lucky to have our own row (she was supposed to be a lap child). She refused to stay in her seat, and tried climbing over me to run around the plane or maybe escape. She wanted to put the tray in front of us down when we were told to keep them up. She wanted to stand in her seat when we were told to sit. So I buckled her in on top of my lap and I received a very nasty look from the Steward, and reprimanded for having her buckled on my lap. I felt my self slowly vanishing to crazy town and this was only an hour flight!

Once we got in the air Amie thought that the plane was great. She loved looking out the window and instantly stopped fussing. "well," I thought to my self, "the worst is over," and I smiled. Little did I know the worst was yet to come!

Our second flight from Chicago to San Diego seemed promising. Amie had made a new friend Caleb that only a month younger than her and we only had a two hour lay over till our next flight. The kids were playing nicely, and not to mention I now had a couple of adults to talk to, things were going well for everybody. Shortly there after though, things quickly turned. We got an announcement that our flight had "Engine Problems" and we would be delayed and extra 30-40 min. Okay, no problem we all thought to ourselves. But after the 30 min, we were delayed again another hour, the problem still wasn't fixed and time kept of piling on. Soon we had waited over three hours for a total of a five hour lay over with a couple of toddlers. Yet still things seemed to be going well. After being transferred to a different flight we began to board the large and over booked plane. I was equipped with a DVD player and Amie's movies that she isn't allowed to watch at home (I was prepared for our four hour flight!).

The first two hours went rather well, Amie was watching her movies and loving it. However she began to doze off and there was no room for her to get comfy with the tray down. So I turned off the DVD player and put the tray up so Amie could relax better and that is when the Shit literally hit the fan and exploded all over the plane. Amie let out the loudest blood curdling scream I have ever heard. It echoed in the plane, ringing in my ears. She then began to scream and cry, kick and fight me. I tried to hurry put the DVD player back on but it was too late, she was too tired, and nothing i mean NOTHING made her happy! The last two hours of the flight she screamed and cried. Every now and again she would fall asleep shortly but then would try to move to get comfy, wake up and started screaming and crying all over again. My patience had warn very thin and I began silently crying to myself. I was stuck, nothing I did could or would ever make it better. I was so tired, my head felt like it had been hit with a baseball bat and my arms and legs were asleep.

Soon the flight landed and the couple with the little boy Caleb greeted us as we walked out of the terminal. They asked it that was Amie crying, I shook my head and reluctantly said yes. I was never happier to see my parents. I was so tiered, I needed relief! But since the plane had come in so late the airport had only a skeleton crew and no one to take our bags off the plane, so we waited another 45 min for my luggage! At this point I thought to myself, I would surely welcome Hell over this!

Over the Bridge and Through the Mountans....

...Oh to Amie's Grandmothers (and Grandfathers) house we go! Just a hop, skip, and a looong ass plane ride and before ya know it we're there! It will be Amie's very first time on a plane and I am dreading it! The first flight will only be a little over an hour (not too bad), but the second will be a nice and cosy four hour trip! I am coming equipped with the ol'electric babysitter (DVD player), her favorite movies (which she literally NEVER watches, b/c we're mean and don't let her watch TV), her favorite books, her favorite: Barbies, blanket, bunny, bear bear, and ducky pillow. DREAD! I'm sitting here freaking out just thinking about it. A four hour trip on my lap, yeah like that's gonna be tons of fun!

I can see it now:

We board the plane all smiles, rainbows, and sunbeams. We take our seats and sweet little blue birds sing us a sweet song while Daisies bloom on the seat next to us. During our flight Amie quietly sits on my lap, looking at me lovingly, and when she talks only words of joy fall from her lips. When she gets tired, there are no tears, she drifts sweetly into a deep cosy sleep. Then when we have landed, she quietly wakes up, smiling, and humming birds dance around the cabin while beautiful fairies sprinkle happy dust joyfully onto our heads. Then I wake up and Amie is screaming nonstop because her ears wont pop and the guy next to me wants to smother me with a dirty plane pillow. Yay!

Now tell me, what 23 month old wants to sit on Mommies lap for four hours?? None that I can think of! Oh yeah, and the best thing about this trip is that ... IT'S DURING NAP TIME!!! Oh yay!! Who in the hell planned this trip?? I mean, could I have planned it any better?? I don't know what I was thinking, I wasn't thinking. Or maybe I was, I dunno. The bottom line is that we are going to make this trip tomorrow smiles or not. I just pray that the person next to me is a sweet and loving Mommy or Grandma. Or maybe a child that Amie can play with too. With my luck though it will be a cranky old man, with gnarly teeth, a cane and really bad body odor!

Please wish me luck, cause I'm really gonna need it!

Poor Daisy

Our family has a little white fur ball of a dog named Daisy. Daisy's breed is a Westie and most of the time we all love her dearly. That is except for Amie, they have well, what you would call a love hate relationship. You see from the very beginning Daisy loved Amie. She would lay next to her on the floor during tummy time, wait by Amie's door during nap time, and jump up and down happily and give Amie kisses when we came come. From the beginning Amie loved Daisy. Amie would smile when Daisy licked her fingers, she would laugh when Daisy did laps around the house, and they would cuddle together on the floor during tummy time. Yes, Amie loved Daisy and Daisy loved Amie. That has really never changed. Yes, Oh they love each other all right, but somehow that love has now congealed. Its a bitter love, with happy moments and sometimes just down right mean moments. Now you would think that maybe Amie is the victim of this discombobulated diseased love, but oh the contrary. The poor victim is Daisy.

Amie often wills Daisy over with her sweet innocents, with her majestic trickery. Then the next thing thing you know, the evil trap has sprung and Daisy is stuck. There is nothing she can do. Mom wont help her, Dad sometimes tries to help her, all fall victim to the sneaky trickery of Amie.

Just this morning Amie dumped oatmeal all over Daisy. It was on her head, on her back, everywhere! When I confronted Amie about it she pointed at Daisy and scoled like an old pro, "Oh-No! Dai-sy! Oo-Nooo!". I looked at her, with a smile curling up onto the corners of my lips, "No, Daisy didn't do that Amie. You did, not a choice. You eat your oatmeal, its not for Daisy." Daisy had to get a bath, and she hates baths. Poor Daisy!

Ever since the little light went on in Amie's head that she could do things and blame them on Daisy, it's been non stop. Amie throws her milk on the floor, "Dai-sy!". Amie colors on her hands, "Dai-sy!". Amie sneaks Daisy crackers from the pantry, "Dai-sy!". Now everything is Daisies fault. Poor Daisy.

Well, not only is everything Daisies fault Daisy gets the privilege of playing with Amie whether she likes it or not. Daisy has endured several hours of beautifying. A little bit of lipstick applied 2 million times (pretend lipstick), some pretend nail polish for her paws, "Awww, Pretty!". Maybe a few hair pretties and of course she needs to dress for the occasion. Daisy sits through it all, her eyes glazed over, crying inside. Poor Daisy!

Well, as much as you may think that Daisy has a rough life it sure is pretty good too! Daisy often receives the sweetest hugs from Amie, and soft kisses on her back and head. She even gets an occasional belly rub, though one of their favorite things to do together is play. Amie loves to play chase with daisy. The sound of rolling laughter fills the house as Daisy chases Amie up and down the halls of the house. The sound of feet thumping on the carpet and playful barking is music to my ears. Every now and again a ball rolls by my feet with Daisy following shortly after. Amie laughs again. They can play like this for hours it seems.

You see Daisy has always loved Amie, and Amie has always loved Daisy. They share a very special love. A strong, sweet, almost hateful love.

Sweet Mornings Gone Wrong

This morning I woke up to a cheerful little voice happily saying "Hello Mommy!" her little hand softly caressing gently down the side of my right cheek. I opened my eyes and there she was, beautiful. Her big blue eyes looking deep into mine; I could get lost in them for days! When I look at her I see straight into her soul, so innocent, fresh, untainted and sweet. She smiles at me just like her father, her goofy grin and her chipped teeth from gnawing on the side of her crib when she was younger. She lays her head on my elbow, eyes still looking deep into mine. Her hand still gently caressing down the side of my face. I love how this feels. I love her soft hands, I smile back at her and softly say, "Morning baby". We lay there for a while, looking at each other, at one point she leans over to me and kisses me sweetly on the lips then rubs her little nose against mine. I softly run my hand threw her hair, and down the soft skin on her arm to her fingers. She looks at me and smiles, "tickles mommy" she giggles. She scooched even closer to me, her eyes mesh and become one big blue eye. Our noses touching. She pauses. I wait for a kiss, but instead she sticks out her tongue at me and laughs. I can't help but laugh too. As we lay there we even sing a few songs quietly. She has really become such a beautiful singer, I think to my self, "when did this happen??" Suddenly she pops up and urges me to ,"Get up Mommy, Get up Mommy!" So I sluggishly roll myself out of bed as she joyously bounces out of my bed, ready to start the day.

The day started out well enough, she was a great helper today. She did her everyday morning chores of feeding the dog, and giving the her, her daily treat with her pill inside (helps Daisy control her bladder). She then continues to help me sweep the floor by holding the dust pan for me and dumping the "icky yuckies" into the trash. After that was finished she happily ran around the house picking up all her toys while I finished the dishes up in the kitchen. Days like this just don't happen enough, I think to myself. Then we both get out our vacuums and clean the floors. In no time the house is clean, and Amie was beaming with pride!

When it was time to brush her teeth, she sat down on the floor like she normally does (I do not allow walking or running with the toothbrush in her mouth). Today she decided to brake that rule. So after giving her, her first warning I took the tooth brush way and told her, "All done". Normally this would be no big deal, but today it was a GREAT BIG deal! She threw her self on the floor screaming. "Toooth Brushhh!" She hollered at me, "Amie, tooth brush!". I calmly look at her and reminded her that she was all done. She then stood up and through herself at me screaming and crying. So I peeled my self away from her and walked away, she can throw her fit, that's fine. As I left the room she followed me throwing herself onto the floor every couple of feet. Screaming and crying, then standing up stamping her feet flailing her arms around like she was having convulsions, then trowing herself on to the floor again. She followed me around the house doing this. I turned away from her hiding my face in my hands and arms trying not to let her see me laughing at her. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen her do! This crazy behavior lasted several minutes till all of a sudden she just stopped. It was done. The fit was over. She then began to play with her toys as if nothing ever happened. I peeped at her from around the corner smiling, thinking to myself, "what in the world just happened?". Children, I wish I could know just for one second what was going though her head. I wish I got it on tape.

Stinking Kids!

Kids! Kids! Kids! Everywhere! Kids! I love my daughter, and I love my daughters friends, but sometimes I can not stand other peoples kids! For once in your life people, control your kids! One thing that I can not stand is the lack of parenting that the majority of today's children receive. I feel like today's parents are afraid to discipline in public, like its embarrassing. To me I feel like my child's outrageous behavior would be WAY more embarrassing than actually having to discipline in public, and believe me I have. I have dragged my daughter kicking and screaming out of many public places to deal with her. Public places are in fact the times when I am more strict, just because we are in public does not mean she gets a free "crappy behavior" pass for the day.

It seems like at any child based event there is always that "one kid" that is out of control. Running around the room, screaming, pushing, climbing on chairs and tables, and taking toys and balls from other kids all the while with that little evil smug smile on their faces . Their parent follows right behind them, their hair a mess, eyes begging and pleading, lost, overwhelmed, frustrated and giving up. God, I can't stand those parents! I pity them. You pay 5 dollars to have a good time and that one child ruins it all! Who's fault is that?? The parents! Well, the parent may argue that, "my child wont listen to me!", or "I tried". Well, I pity them. I pity them because they don't know any better and they should, grow a freaking back bone! Today's parents give up to easy when it comes to their kids. Why give up?? Why only try once? I believe that children are at least worth the effort no matter how terrible they may act. The one thing that is hard for the parent to swallow is that most of the time, it's their fault. That kind of behavior is taught and learned. At some point in their life the child was taught that when they ignore their parent...nothing happens! Mommy only says she's gonna do it, but never does!

To all you parents out there please I'm begging you give your child one warning, if they do it again than take action immediately! That is all it takes. Follow through and consistency, consistency, consistency!

Like today Amie and I went to a nice event, Toddler Time at the Botanical Center. There was story time, music and dancing time. It was nice, except for that one stinking child that ran around the room during story time, climbing on chairs and screaming getting all the other kids worked up and distracted. Then during dance and music time that same child thew a ball at Amie and took a book from her and made her cry. Were do you think that parent was...hiding in the corner, embarrassed for her child's actions. Obviously not embarrassed enough to do anything about it though! She watched him do it and wasn't even courteous enough to give Amie an apology! Wait it gets better. When we were walking though the botanical center looking at flowers, a different child picked up some rocks and through them at Amie (they didn't hit her). The mom thought it was cute! How is that cute?? Then Amie thought it might be a good idea to do that too. Umm, absolutely not! I nipped that right in the butt! All it took was a warning and she new I meant business.

Follow through, and consistency, consistency, consistency! Really it is that simple!

Oh Crappy Crap!

Crap! Literally Crap! There is nothing nastier or smellier than crap or in my daughters words, "yucky poopy".

You know it was bound to happen sooner or later, the down right, God awful, terrible day. Its just not humanly possible and the world is just not sweet enough to let a sweet, loving, all around good week streak continue on unbroken by a no good, nasty, terrible, God awful, shitty day (or two days in this case). Let me elaborate:

Its all started last night on the front steps of Amie's best friends house. She absolutely, under no circumstances wanted to leave and go home. After I forced her out the front door she through herself on the front steps screaming and crying as neighbors came home from work. God I'm embarrassed, I thought to myself. I hurried as fast as I could and carried her down the icy steps kicking and screaming out her best friends name. "Careful", I thought to myself, "it would really suck to fall right now"! After I shoved her into her car seat she refused to let me buckle her in. She flexed her body as straight as a board, leaving me begging and pleading for her to sit in her seat. After we made it home I hurried along to make supper. I stoped. Quiet. Then a giggle. Then quiet. Oh NO! Could this really be happening to me right now?? As I turned the corner from the kitchen into the living room there it was. Life cereal all over the couch and floor and Daisy in heaven easting it up as fast as she could before she got caught. Really? Really? ARRG! Why me?? I Curse the HEAVENS! But wait, It only gets better....

Later that evening after my run I sat down on the couch to eat my dinner. Ahh, how nice I thought to myself (It wasn't going to be for very long though). Amie climbed up on top of me while I was trying to eat and grabbed my full glass of ice water off the end table. Yes, yes, I'm sure you can see where this is going. Water every where! On the floor, on the couch, on the lamp, on the end table! I was Furious! I was so angry to the point I had steam coming out of my ears and flames coming out of my mouth! I screeched a horrible screech that sounded like it came from the devils mouth, "AMIE!!!!!!!" My husband literally came flying into the living room to rescue her. He knew she was in for it...BIG TIME! How can such a small child reek so much havoc?? But wait...it only gets better.....

This morning Amie came into my room as usual to tell me that she was poopy. She then quickly climbed off the bed and ran away. I lay there in bet for a while waking up (she always says she's poopy when she's not, so why hurry??). I meandered out of my bed room and saw her in her toy room sitting and playing. "Awe, that's nice" I thought to myself and wandered to the bathroom to take care of business. Just as I opened the door Amie comes hopping happily to me with a smile on her face, delightfully saying, "poopy, mommy, poopy". I look down and her PJ's are unzipped, her onesie unbuttoned and her diaper hanging down and diarrhea everywhere! On her hands, on her cloths, on her stomach! "CRAP! WHY ME??" I whined to myself as I shook my fists at the heavens once again . Here we have made a full circle...

Crap! Literally Crap! There is nothing nastier or smellier than crap, or in my daughters words, "yucky poopy!".

You would think that they day could only go up from there, well I'm sorry to say you're a fool if ya think that!

Water, Oh water everywhere! Yup. Its what ya think. I was in the kitchen getting ready to make lunch. My daughter was at her favorite spot playing (in the kitchen at our home made water table). She was happy, I was happy, till it happened. The last thing I hear was her little voice yelling "Oh, No!" then whoosh! Water everywhere. It was like Niagara falls in the kitchen! Watter ran under the stove, under the sink, under the dishwasher...everywhere! Once again I shook my fists at the heavens pleading and begging,"Why me?????". Four towels later the mess was cleaned up and my floor was once again clean (a bonus I guess).

Its nap time now and I sit at my trust computer thinking could anything else really go wrong?? Then I hear it. Loud music, my cell phone ringing. I run to find it realizing....I left it in Amie's room!!! Really? Really? REALLY? Yeah, really. Lucky for me Amie didn't wait up, maybe there is a God!

Time

Time. Time is good. Time is Bad. Time can be depressing, it can also be joyful. Time well spent makes your heart sing with joy and fills you full with satisfaction. Time lost fills your heart full of sorrow and regret, wishing you had "more time" or spent the time that you had better than you did. Everyday I feel like I'm in a constant battle with time. Everyday my daughter grows one day older. I feel her ageing before me till one day I'll look up and she's screaming at me about how much she hates me or cant stand me! Maybe I'll look up and shes graduating from high school smiling at me from the stage getting her diploma. Or, the scariest thing I think about is what if one day I look up and time has taken her from me? Time, can be so scary, it never ends, never stops and never waits. Always pushing on no matter how loud you scream and beg for a "Time Out!" like you did when you were a child playing tag. I fear time just as much as I welcome it. Always looking towards tomorrow, towards the weekend. A parent can drive themselves insane just thinking about time, I think I've gone there many times. I don't know maybe I'm a bit odd, but terrible things go through my head all the time, terrible what ifs. My mom and dad used to tell me that I could "what if my self to death", and I think I could. I know I could.

I could drive myself to tears just thinking about how scary its is, not knowing, watching time go by, and wondering what time will bring you. Nobody could have prepared me for how having a child will make you feel. Being a parent is one of the scariest things I have ever done with my life and I have done some scary things. Its like you walk around with your chest cavity wide open your heart exposed. Its so freaking scary what a child will drive you to do. I live everyday for my daughter. She keeps me motivated, she keeps me on the right path. Everything I do, I do for her so that one day she can have the best, and healthiest life possible.

Time is so precious. No amount of money can buy you time. Time, constantly ticking in my ear "tick tock tick tock" pulling at me urging me to take it all in. Yet when your a parent you feel like all your time is spent with your children. Its difficult to set even an hour aside for yourself. You almost feel a bit selfish. An hour, you selfish bastard! How could you take an hour for yourself?? Time. I have a love hate relationship with time.

Away

This last weekend we had to leave our nice cozy and warm home and venture out of town to a most unfortunate family gathering. Not the happiest of gatherings, but also not the saddest either. Amie's Great Grandfather, Brads Grandfather on his Dads side passed away last Friday. Amie only met him a few times as did I. None of us were terribly close to him, and neither was Brad. In fact the sad thing is that only two people were greatly impacted by his passing, that is two of his eight children. You see sadly enough Amie's great grandfather wasn't the happiest or nicest of men. In fact he was a bit scary at times (he scolded me at my wedding). Out of respect for our family we took the long trip to be with his family for the weekend. It made me sad to think how one mans grumpiness or anger can effect generations to come. How differently might his children have turned out if he was kinder or more loving? Maybe his father wasn't a loving man, so he wasn't a loving man, so on so forth. But sometimes that trend can be broken as in Brads case and his three brothers. Amie loved the trip she got to spend tons of time with her uncles Eric and Kyle! My heart always sings when I see the look in her uncles eyes as they look at her, hold her, give her kisses and hugs and play with her. As I watched her interact with them it made me smile. It also made me think of how many children grow up (especially girls) with out positive male role models in their life?? I am so grateful that Amie can grow up having good positive experiences with older men. It makes me feel relief as a parent that maybe now she wont have to go "looking" for it when she grows up. It makes me sad to think that because somebody had a tough childhood that they have to stay stuck, that they cant break free of that and become who they want to be. There are many people who break free of that and that makes me happy, it makes me happy to see that in our own family. Life is how you make it. Bad things happen to good people, but its how we act on those bad things that shape who we are in days and years to come. Everyday we impact people, I want to live my life impacting people for the better not the worst. Its your decision, you choose!

Orifice

Orifice other wise known as a hole that opens to a bodily cavity aka: mouth, ears, and nose. Now why is it with small children that these holes are so fascinating, so amusing that they must investigate them at every opportunity? Whether its walking around the house with the finger resting nicely in the nose cavity or the one I dread the most, putting foreign objects in it like peas, corn, and cheerios! All it takes is one split second head turn and BAM, something is stuck in the nose. When she first did this with a pea I didn't realize that she had stuck something up her nose. She just sat there sniffing her nose really loud and kept sticking her finger up it. I reprimanded her for doing so but she continued to make a huge fuss over her nose. That's when the thought occurred to me that something wasn't quite right. So I tilted her head back and what do ya know....a pea! I thought to my self "oh dear God how will I get this out of her nose?". I went to the bathroom and grabbed the tweezers and it came out like a charm. Well there have been several instances since then. None like the one I had last night!

Last night Amie was sitting at the table eating cheerios for snack when she started to do the nose sniffing thing again. Oh boy here we go again I thought to myself. I tilted her head back and what do ya know...there it was a cheerio. surprise, surprise, you didn't see that one coming did ya?? So I wandered to the bathroom to get my handy dandy tweezers. When I got back to the table I reminded her that food goes in our mouths not in our noses and tilted her head back to get the cheerio. Right as I tilted her head back the cheerio came shooting out at me and hit me in the eye! It was like my daughter had a built in "pea shooter" (pardon the pun) except it wasn't peas it was a cheerio! It came out so fast that my poor eye never had a chance! It startled me so bad that I nearly flipped over the table when I jumped back. Now how often can somebody say they got hit in the eye with a cheerio from their daughters nose?? I can LOL!

Activity of the day:

Little kids love to look at pictures of themselves, whether it be now or when they were babies, they just love it! So I made a book for Amie full of pictures all of her and family and she loves it!

When I did was get a cheap or old little 4x5 photo album and filled it up with pictures of our family and pictures of Amie when she was a baby and now. you can glue or tape the plastic slip covering shut so your child can't grab the picture out. I also let my daughter color and paint the inside and outside of the photo album. You could even add stickers or for older children glue ribbon, paper, and buttons on it was well. This is my daughter favorite book, she spends tons of time looking at it. You can keep it fresh by adding new pictures, it ever gets old!

Activities

Well, it is the dead of winter and though going outside sometimes into the several feet of snow in my yard is fun, the majority of the time..I'll pass. Winter time makes it rough for parents that stay home all day with their children. Especially if you have more than one! I only have one and I feel the pain and agony of winter pulling at me every day. I can't imagine two or more. Maybe someday I will. When your home cooped up all day I find it a lot more fun to do activities and crafts. Have a plan! I don't know maybe its the teacher in me but I like to plan a weekly themes and activities for my daughter. I like to feel like she is still learning and progressing the way she should be even though she is at home. So I plan. I plan crafts, activities and integrate things she should be learning like colors, shapes, letters, counting, ect. into those activities. So I thought it might be nice for the whole 2 of you that actually read my blog if I provided some fun, and cheap at home activities!

1)Home made sensory table: Sensory tables are nice because you can change out the things you put in them on a daily basis. Ex: Sand, water, water with bubbles, snow from outside, dyed rice/noodles (I'll give ya the recipe for that later), beans, ice cubes, water with ice cubes,potting soil, dried corn, leaves, flowers to explore. The ideas are endless. Sand and water tables can be expensive so I made one. I took a laundry basket turned it over and placed a plastic shallow tub on top of it. Vuala! sometimes I duck tape the tub to the laundry basket depending on what is in it. Then I place it in the middle of my kitchen floor with old towels underneath. My daughter loves it, and its the perfect height! Its also easy to clean up just store towels inside of the laundry basket. Hours of indoor fun!

*sensory table activities: You can store activities in plastic tubs, zip lock bags, or recycled food containers.

Sand: with scoops, spoons, empty water bottles cut in half to make a funnel and pouring container and recycled sour cream, yogurt, butter (ect.) containers, bugs, cars/trucks, shells, you can even add a bit of water to it to make a neat texture. Water(with/with out bubbles/ice cubes): with empty containers, sponges, cut up pieces of fabric for different textures to feel, scoops, measuring spoons, measuring cups, bowls, cars, babies, animals,or bugs (plastic).

snow: With scoops, empty containers, plastic animals, home made funnels from cut in half water bottles.

Dyed rice/noodles: With scoops, home made funnels from plastic bottles, spoons, recycled containers.

2)Dyed rice/noodles recipe: Dyeing noodles is fun and easy and tuns of fun for the kids to play with in the sensory table or in a clear plastic bottle as a shaker (glue the cap on). Its easy and kids like to help make it. First you need a zip lock bag for each color of noodle/rice you choose to make. pour in rice or noodles a couple of cups then 1tsp. rubbing alcohol, and some drops of food coloring. Depending on how vibrant you wanted you can add more color or less. Seal the bag and mix, mix mix. Kids like to do this part they like to see the noodles/rice turn colors and feel the texture. Then they are all colored pour rice/noodles onto a paper towel to dry. The alcohol will evaporate and if they choose to eat it, it will do them no harm.

cog. development activities for sensory tables: count how many animals, scoops, containers ect. are in the sand. What color are they?(ex: look at the red bug!, or can you find the red bug?) Can you find any shapes? (ex: look the cup has a circle!, can you find a circle?) how does it feel?(ex: ohh this feels wet, sticky, hard, cold or what does this feel like? Is it cold?) Sorting like objects into the same container either by color, size, or type.

So I think with every post I will now post an activity for the day. I hope who ever is reading this will enjoy it. If you guys do the activities let me know what ya think I hope they're tuns of fun and everybody enjoys them! If not I guess just let me know and I'll stop =).

Easiest

Well, lucky for me these past few days have been pretty eventful free (that never happens)! Its been a pretty easy couple of weeks for Amie and I. I have found that When Amie comes to me and wants to color or play in the snow that is when I make her pick up her toys, and it is working great so far. "So far" being the key word. Any day now she could change her mind and decide that playing in the snow or coloring is not very import and and give up on it entirely. When that happens I'm not sure what I will do. You see at one point threatening to taking away baby and barbie worked, for a week. She would do anything I asked her to do, it was a miracle! The heavens opened, sun beans came blasting down and angels sang sweet sweet songs of joy and happiness. Then one day she just stopped caring, until it was nap/bed time that is. Then it was down right important that she have her babies and Barbie. With out them its like she's sleeping so sweetly not a care in the world, then all of a sudden BAM she realises at 2am that she doesn't have her barbie and baby and wakes up screaming and crying for them. Yeah I could just say "tough luck you lost them" but that would be way to inconvenient for me. Once again there is the doing what is easiest for mom and not necessarily best for child. ARRG! Thus I stumbled upon my waiting plan, and like I said works like a charm... so far.

I'd like to think that I have an unfair advantage being a mom. You see I taught preschool for like 6 and 1/2 years, not to mention the years of training that I have on top of that. I have come into motherhood armed and dangerous! I know through experience how I do and DON'T want my daughter to act. I know the mistakes that parents make that really have no idea what in the hell they are doing. Or just want to do what is easiest. When you almost cut your finger off, easiest acts as a temporary band aid. It feels good now but eventually with out stitches you'll just bleed through, then get an infection, then your finger has to get amputated. Nobody wants that. Same thing goes with children. When a behavior occurs doing what is easiest temporarily covers the real problem. Before you know it you child's behavior has escalated so far beyond the point of "what the hell do I do now??" to "I'm going to drop my child of on the side of the road and leave!". Even I have those moments where I don't know what I am doing, or thought that I was doing the right thing and have found out later that it wasn't. We learn from our mistakes. How can we progress with out making mistakes and learning from them?? We just hope and pray that our mistakes aren't severe enough to cause real damage and traumatise the child forever. The majority of the time they're not. Thank goodness!

Make a mistake - Learn - Evolve - Move on!

Dead Weight

Trying to get a two year old child to pick up toys is a lot like trying to pull a 300lb bag of dead weight. First you approach the bleak job with joy and optimism. If you have high spirits and a can-do attitude anything can be accomplished! After trying and trying again and again with no such luck and not even a hint of a smidgen of movement you think to yourself, "OK, no luck and try another approach, bargaining. So you stand there looking at the 300lb bag offering a plethora of opportunities you know the bag would enjoy. If the bag would only move you would not throw it away, or maybe you would move it to a really cool spot where it could dance and play all day, YAY! The bag does not budge. "Fine! you think to yourself, "if you wont move them I'll take your favorite thing in the whole world away! HA! Take that!" It looks at you all smug and arrogant, even smiling at you! That smile, ARRG! "I'll give that bag something to smile about in a second" you think to your self. But wait, you pull your self back take a breath and offer a bribe. Ah, the bribe, this will do it for sure! If the bag moves then you will give the bag back it's favorite toy you just took way a second ago. But still, the bag does not move. Your blood starts to boil. You can feel your temperature rising, your lip starts to quiver with anger, "FINE!" you scream, "TIME OUT!" HA take that bag, I'll show you who's boss! Time out does nothing, the bad just looks at you in relief that the bag doesn't have to move anymore.

Whats left?? Giving up?? Jump up and down screaming and flailing your arms around, then throw yourself on the floor and through a hissy fit??

A battle that is so hard to win, moving a 300lb bag. Just like the battle of getting a two year old child to pick up toys! IMPOSSIBLE! Yet, we do it anyways and you never give up, at least some parents don't. I don't. Sometimes parents do give up, "It'll be easier and quicker if I do it." Or they don't even pick up at all, "Whats the point the mess will be back in two seconds anyways". Is that really the point? Is that really what we want to teach our kids?? That all they have to do is give up, wait us out and we will do it for them, we will give up?? HELL NO! We are parents, we are adults, we do not stoop to their level (even though we would like to sometimes).Those of us that stick to it will and do eventually persevere! We win! VICTORY! In the end the battle was worth it. It teaches then a valuable lesson, it teaches us parents a value lesson:

Giving up never got anybody anywhere!

Toilet

Ahh, the toilet! So fun, so exciting, so big shiny and white. Sitting there all alone in the forbidden bathroom. Begging, willing, yearning to be used. To the untrained eye it looks normal, not too unusual, but to the sharp keenness of a toddler the toilet is a magical place! A place that yearns to be discovered, aches for attention, starving for a visitor. Its water glistening, waiting, calling out to be touched.

Today, the toilet was all that and more. Today I awoke to giggling and splashing noises coming from...the BATHROOM! I sat strait up in bed..."ohhh NOO!!!" I screamed to my self! If I could have teleported my self there that wouldn't have gotten me there any faster than I did in that single moment. What I saw next will haunt me for life! What I saw next I will Smother my husband for when he comes home. What I saw next should have NEVER of happened!

As I flew into the bathroom, there she was. Standing at the toilet, smiling ear to ear welcoming me with a joyous "MOMMY!" I stood there, froze with fear. Thinking to my self for a quick second which felt like an eternity. "Amie, Yuck, icky" I finally said and I slowly moved over to her, hands out in front of me in a non threatening manner. Then I noticed it. The water was not clear, it was a nice shade of yellow! "ARRRGGG!" I belted out. I swooped Amie up to the sink and began thoroughly washing her hands, with lots of extra soap. Why oh why?? Does this sort of thing only happen to me??

I know my husband was just trying to be courteous by being extra quiet in the morning, and I really do appreciate it. However, when trying to be courteous it is also important to put the toilet seat down. Let this be a lesson to all!

Bliss

Bliss is opening your eyes for the first time in the morning and seeing the sunshine shinning through the windows, and you pause and listen for a quick second and ... quiet. No pitter patter of little feet, no screaming, no giggling, no little voice, quiet. Ahh this is bliss. More often than not, bliss is very short lived. Maybe like a second or two, but today my bliss lasted all day!Bliss is hearing the squeak of the door nob turning in a certain little girls room. Quiet. Then a soft thud as the door hits the wall as it is opened. Quiet. Thumpity thumpity thump thud little feet hurrying down the hallway. Quiet. Another squeak as the door nob is turning, my heart starts to race and a smile forms across my face, I pull the covers over my head and wait. Thud! The door hits the wall as it is flung open in excitement, "MOMMY!" her voice so electrifying that my heart beats faster in anticipation. I can feel her at the foot of my bed now climbing up, but she pauses. "MOMMY!" Bliss is when she rips the blanket from my head and there she is smiling, sweet, happy, and my heart races on as she throws herself on top of me and gives me the biggest and best hug EVER!

Bliss is sitting on the floor with a vibrant little girl with a smile that never quits. Holding your face in her hands so gently, her face so close to yours you can feel her soft warm breath. Bliss is the anticipation you feel right before she kisses softly on the right cheek and then the left. My heart swells with warmth, I have a smile from ear to ear.

Bliss is holding a little hand in yours while dancing to the chicken dance on full blast in the middle of the living room. Bliss is watching your boisterous daughter bust a groove and pull out dance moves that would shame even the best and most distinguished dancers! Bliss, happiness, ecstasy, euphoria, heaven; all reasons why I stay at home with my daughter. Sometimes they are forgotten covered up with anger, screams, whining, and cries. But as quick as all of those things come, they go, and these are the moments I savor the most, today is....

BLISS

Dear God...

This morning I was awoken by a very angry, very shrill screech and whining from a very adorable, very short, brunette with big blue eyes at the foot of my bed. I rolled over and mumbled "umm, hmm...come on sweetie." Still yet she let out another very loud, very shrill, high pitched screech, and proceeded to stomp her feet on the ground. "ohhh, Amie" I thought to myself "My holy freaking head is killing me! Sooo TIRED!" So I mumbled very unwillingly for Amie to come on, climb IN. The screeching and whining continued for another couple of minutes before she was able to figure how to pull herself next to me in bed. "Oh, good" I thought to myself, in reality the correct thought would have been "Oh crap!" How ever, I was feeling optimistic this morning (FYI, I am no longer feeling optimistic!). The shrill screeching and whining for her baby, then her barbie, then the dog, continued on and on, I grumbled for her to knock it off, and "if you want your barbie go GET IT!! ugg!" But, nope that wasn't good enough, nothing is ever good enough for her highness, she wanted me to get it. Ya, like that's gonna happen, I thought to myself. Being a mom some days is so freaking great, like today I wished a horrible wish that I wasn't, that Amie would POOF disappear, just for a second. But she didn't and I'm Glad that she didn't. She makes me so happy, she makes everything I do in life worth it. She uplifts a crappy day like today....

Being a stay at home mom requires some sacrifices, unless you're super rich and have loads of money however, I do not. Some times those sacrifices just catch up to you. Like mine did today. I don't know why today, but they never really bothered me before. Maybe it was the head ache or the lack of good sleep last night, but I just lost it, completely lost it! I sat on the computer looking at finances and lost it. I started sobbing and blubbering to myself, I wish I could do this and give Amie that. I felt even more like the scum on the bottom of the ocean that the bottom feeders eat when I thought to myself how selfish I was for quitting my job and staying home with Amie, for doing a triathlon, for buying running shoes. SELFISH! What kind of mom am I?? I could have used that money for diapers, for wipes, for food, but I used it on myself! I couldn't bare to look my daughter in the eye, I didn't want her to see what a crappy mom I am, could she see?? Would she notice?? After I finished talking to my husband on the phone and blubbering to him about how crappy I am, my daughter walked into the room. I stood there all puffy eyed and pitiful. "Hi, sweetie" I said wiping my eyes as I patted her on her head. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and her perfect smile and said , "Pretty mommy, ohh mommy pretty," as she hugged my leg. That's when it hit me, she loves me no matter how poor, no matter how crappy I am she will always love me unconditionally. We will always be a family not matter what. Just thinking about it now makes me tear up. We are so blessed, and I am thankful for everything I have. Which is a lot more than most.

Now, I am More Optimistic!

Found

It wasn't that I sat around the house all day being board. I did all my mom things. I cleaned and then Amie would come right behind me and pull everything out. I cooked and Amie would throw food on the floor for the dog. We did arts and crafts and Amie would paint the table and herself. You see I'm a good mom, I just got lazy with myself. I forgot about me, so after looking at myself in the mirror one day thinking "Whoa! What the hell happened to that person??" I made a promise to myself to never forget me again, to never loose myself again. It was that day I found myself. Found my niche. I joined a Moms group, that I LOVE! So now I had activities to go to and yes, ADULTS to look forward to socializing with. Amie started to make friends and so did I. I had a reason to get dressed and brush my teeth. I started working out again and am now conscious of whether I'm eating cause I'm board or hungry. I have a plan. I do my plan. I'm happy. I'm no longer Lazy. Just tired ALL the TIME!

And it feels good!

Lost

When I first started being a stay at home mom I was a thrilled that now I would have time to really do my makeup and look all pretty every day for Brad. Fresh. Relaxed. Beautiful. I would get up with Amie get her ready for the day then I would get dressed, do my hair, my make-up, and brush my teeth . As you all know from my last post that didn't last. At first I would tell my self, "why do you need make-up the only person looking at you all day is Amie and she doesn't care". Then it was, "Really, why do I need to brush my hair?? It's going in a pony anyways". After a while it turned into me not even getting dressed all day. Why would I?? It just made more laundry for me to do. Then eventually I stopped getting Amie dressed, stopped doing Amie's hair. When we went out we both looked homeless. I stopped caring. When I stopped caring for myself that's when I felt everything around me slipping. I was eating all the time and just getting plain lazy. I would hurry and finish all my chores for the day then I would get so stinking tired of playing with Amie ALL the time. Ugh, seriously how many times do I have to read same book over and over and over before I go crazy?? "I'm SOOO board" was all I would think all day. My daughter was no longer as fun, I was no longer fun and when I did eventually get dressed....my cloths started getting a bit tight. It had to end! I feel like you can loose yourself so easily, loose who you are, get lost in being a mom. So spend your day a busy bee caring for others but what about yourself? Aren't moms important too? Being lazy just ate away at my energy, my soul, I hated looking at my self everyday, and when I did I didn't like what I saw at all. That was it! I had had enough. Somethings got to change!

Bitter Sweet Startings

Being a stay at home mom was not quite what I expected it to be. I expected it to be fun, exciting, freeing, joyous, and invigorating!! Well it was, but it was also trying, isolating, annoying, boring, crazed, and absolutely with out a doubt stressful. My first few weeks as a stay at home mom everybody was in good spirits. My husband loved having me home because there was hot food on the table when he arrived and was greeted by a smile, a kiss, and "hello dear how was your day??"a fifties version what the "typical house wife" should be. The house was no longer a complete pig sty when Brad came home, it was so sparkly clean! I swear to you cute little animals came and helped me clean when Amie (my daughter) and I sang sweet tunes of happiness and joy through out the day. It was perfect. Like you see in a magazine, bliss! Then it happened, and all you stay at home moms out there know what I mean when I say....it happened! It, the big IT!

The day started out awake a little earlier than normal, that's OK, still good. Amie was a bit more emotional didn't want her diaper changed, that's OK, still good. Well as Amie was eating breakfast I thought I would use it as time to run and grab laundry, ya know multi-task, and that's when IT happened. There would be no more multi-tasking, no more sweet animals coming to help Amie and I pick up while we sang sweet sweet tunes of happiness and joy, no more fifties version of a house wife. Just like that it was all GONE. The last thing I remember hearing was a little voice saying "Oh, No!" I paused and thought to myself...Oh SHIT! As I turned around she was covered in cheerios and milk. The dog, which has a spot all picked out under Amie's chair during every meal, was covered in milk and cereal and was in heaven. It was done, all gone. I rushed over to care for the mess but Amie continued to play in it. My temperature started to rise. "Lets not do that Amie" I said in a loving voice. She did it, again. "Amie!" I grumbled "Not a choice!". She smiled. I bent over to continue to clear the mess and once again she played in the mess knocking the bowl and cup I picked up off the floor and put on the table back on the floor, "oh no!" she said and smiled. That was it! "Amie NOO!!" I screamed at her as I whisked her out of her chair and into time out, "NOT A CHOICE!" From that moment on the screaming, attention getting behavior and temper tantrums started and never really ended till Brad came home late that evening, she was driving me freaking insane. He arrived home to a frazzled wife with stains all over her cloths, a screaming child laying on the floor throwing a fit, and the house no longer sparkling but chaotic and yes, a complete pig sty. Oh yeah and dinner wasn't even started. I was so alone, living in a place with no family and no friends to turn to through out the days. I had changed my life forever, and believe me the adventure was just beginning!

Now how did this happen??

I wasn't always a stay at home mom, I used to have a "Real Job". I taught Preschool and I was damn good at it too! There was a point that I loved my job, but as quickly as I loved it, I hated it! All of a sudden there was something inside of me missing, something pulling me away from the path that I had chosen for myself. I was a zombie at work, going through the motions. Doing things because I had too, not because I wanted too. I was tired of spending all my energy on other peoples children, and ignoring my own child begging for my attention, screaming to play! I hated myself. I resented my poor husband, who thought I was happy, while all the while I thought to my self "he should have known!". One day after work I just couldn't do it any more, I couldn't give my time, my love, my devotion to other children who unfortunatly I couldn't stand! I couldn't put my daughter on the back burner anymore! I couldnt put my happiness and sanity on the back burner any more! It was time. So I came home one night, in tears, tierd, broken, and pissed off and told my husband everything. He looked at me with loving eyes and said....


"Then stay Home."