Found

It wasn't that I sat around the house all day being board. I did all my mom things. I cleaned and then Amie would come right behind me and pull everything out. I cooked and Amie would throw food on the floor for the dog. We did arts and crafts and Amie would paint the table and herself. You see I'm a good mom, I just got lazy with myself. I forgot about me, so after looking at myself in the mirror one day thinking "Whoa! What the hell happened to that person??" I made a promise to myself to never forget me again, to never loose myself again. It was that day I found myself. Found my niche. I joined a Moms group, that I LOVE! So now I had activities to go to and yes, ADULTS to look forward to socializing with. Amie started to make friends and so did I. I had a reason to get dressed and brush my teeth. I started working out again and am now conscious of whether I'm eating cause I'm board or hungry. I have a plan. I do my plan. I'm happy. I'm no longer Lazy. Just tired ALL the TIME!

And it feels good!

Lost

When I first started being a stay at home mom I was a thrilled that now I would have time to really do my makeup and look all pretty every day for Brad. Fresh. Relaxed. Beautiful. I would get up with Amie get her ready for the day then I would get dressed, do my hair, my make-up, and brush my teeth . As you all know from my last post that didn't last. At first I would tell my self, "why do you need make-up the only person looking at you all day is Amie and she doesn't care". Then it was, "Really, why do I need to brush my hair?? It's going in a pony anyways". After a while it turned into me not even getting dressed all day. Why would I?? It just made more laundry for me to do. Then eventually I stopped getting Amie dressed, stopped doing Amie's hair. When we went out we both looked homeless. I stopped caring. When I stopped caring for myself that's when I felt everything around me slipping. I was eating all the time and just getting plain lazy. I would hurry and finish all my chores for the day then I would get so stinking tired of playing with Amie ALL the time. Ugh, seriously how many times do I have to read same book over and over and over before I go crazy?? "I'm SOOO board" was all I would think all day. My daughter was no longer as fun, I was no longer fun and when I did eventually get dressed....my cloths started getting a bit tight. It had to end! I feel like you can loose yourself so easily, loose who you are, get lost in being a mom. So spend your day a busy bee caring for others but what about yourself? Aren't moms important too? Being lazy just ate away at my energy, my soul, I hated looking at my self everyday, and when I did I didn't like what I saw at all. That was it! I had had enough. Somethings got to change!

Bitter Sweet Startings

Being a stay at home mom was not quite what I expected it to be. I expected it to be fun, exciting, freeing, joyous, and invigorating!! Well it was, but it was also trying, isolating, annoying, boring, crazed, and absolutely with out a doubt stressful. My first few weeks as a stay at home mom everybody was in good spirits. My husband loved having me home because there was hot food on the table when he arrived and was greeted by a smile, a kiss, and "hello dear how was your day??"a fifties version what the "typical house wife" should be. The house was no longer a complete pig sty when Brad came home, it was so sparkly clean! I swear to you cute little animals came and helped me clean when Amie (my daughter) and I sang sweet tunes of happiness and joy through out the day. It was perfect. Like you see in a magazine, bliss! Then it happened, and all you stay at home moms out there know what I mean when I say....it happened! It, the big IT!

The day started out awake a little earlier than normal, that's OK, still good. Amie was a bit more emotional didn't want her diaper changed, that's OK, still good. Well as Amie was eating breakfast I thought I would use it as time to run and grab laundry, ya know multi-task, and that's when IT happened. There would be no more multi-tasking, no more sweet animals coming to help Amie and I pick up while we sang sweet sweet tunes of happiness and joy, no more fifties version of a house wife. Just like that it was all GONE. The last thing I remember hearing was a little voice saying "Oh, No!" I paused and thought to myself...Oh SHIT! As I turned around she was covered in cheerios and milk. The dog, which has a spot all picked out under Amie's chair during every meal, was covered in milk and cereal and was in heaven. It was done, all gone. I rushed over to care for the mess but Amie continued to play in it. My temperature started to rise. "Lets not do that Amie" I said in a loving voice. She did it, again. "Amie!" I grumbled "Not a choice!". She smiled. I bent over to continue to clear the mess and once again she played in the mess knocking the bowl and cup I picked up off the floor and put on the table back on the floor, "oh no!" she said and smiled. That was it! "Amie NOO!!" I screamed at her as I whisked her out of her chair and into time out, "NOT A CHOICE!" From that moment on the screaming, attention getting behavior and temper tantrums started and never really ended till Brad came home late that evening, she was driving me freaking insane. He arrived home to a frazzled wife with stains all over her cloths, a screaming child laying on the floor throwing a fit, and the house no longer sparkling but chaotic and yes, a complete pig sty. Oh yeah and dinner wasn't even started. I was so alone, living in a place with no family and no friends to turn to through out the days. I had changed my life forever, and believe me the adventure was just beginning!

Now how did this happen??

I wasn't always a stay at home mom, I used to have a "Real Job". I taught Preschool and I was damn good at it too! There was a point that I loved my job, but as quickly as I loved it, I hated it! All of a sudden there was something inside of me missing, something pulling me away from the path that I had chosen for myself. I was a zombie at work, going through the motions. Doing things because I had too, not because I wanted too. I was tired of spending all my energy on other peoples children, and ignoring my own child begging for my attention, screaming to play! I hated myself. I resented my poor husband, who thought I was happy, while all the while I thought to my self "he should have known!". One day after work I just couldn't do it any more, I couldn't give my time, my love, my devotion to other children who unfortunatly I couldn't stand! I couldn't put my daughter on the back burner anymore! I couldnt put my happiness and sanity on the back burner any more! It was time. So I came home one night, in tears, tierd, broken, and pissed off and told my husband everything. He looked at me with loving eyes and said....


"Then stay Home."