The Forgotten

When your child is sick you quickly forget their typical everyday personalities. All you can seem to think of or remember is the non stop crying and whining, and the pulling on your leg with the need to constantly be held. Its like your memory of that once sweet and vibrant child has been quickly been replaced with a monster that terrorizes you at all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning. You go to bed dreading the morning and you wake up dreading the evening, you're constantly living in fear of your child and for your child. I lay in bed at night clinging to they happy memories that haven't been vanquished by the untamed beast lay sleeping so lightly two doors down. I lay there completely still, unmoving. One wrong breath or if you blink your eyes to fast it may wake up and storm your room with anger and vengeance. Daggers gouging from its eyes and fire forcefully shooting from it's mouth. So I lay there still, hoping, praying that tonight the beast lay silent in a deep sleep and tomorrow my little girl is the one that opens her bedroom door.

Lucky for me this morning Amie was the one that opened the bedroom door and skipped happily to my bedside this morning. Oh how I have missed her sweet songs, her giggles, and her smiles. Today she actually played all on her own, she no longer needed mommy. I am happy about that, but a little sad too that she no longer wants to cuddle and give me hugs. She is happy now, she feels better now. How quickly we remember all that we have forgotten about or little ones. You know, when I think about it I don't think that we truly forget, I think those memories have just been misplaced!

Nasty Case of the Yuckys

Most of the time I truly love being a stay at home mom. I love being the one to teach her all the things that she knows and watching her grow up before my eyes and not through some daycare persons eyes. I love being the one that gets to potty train her and and explore the world with her, I love just being with her. I love watching her smile, sing and dance. There is one thing that is terribly hard for me to watch though, and it is her suffering. I have watched her for a little over three days now crying in pain because she can't get comfortable because she doesn't feel good. I have watched her temp go up and down and back up again. I have watched the tears roll out of her eyes when I tell her that there is only one more bite of medicine, and she only needs to blow her nose one more time. I hate watching her like this, there is so little that I can do. It breaks my heart to shove medicine down her throat and having her fight back gaging because it tastes so bad. It kills me that she can't sleep because she is uncomfortable and she really needs to be sleeping. I hate that every time I touch her she feels so warm and I have to tell her that we can't go out and play. I hate looking at such beautiful days from inside, I hate watching Amie looking at beautiful days from inside. I hate it when Amie is sick. I hate that there is so very little that I can do for her.

But...

I do love the cuddles, loves and all the extra snuggle time. I do love that she wants me and she at least feels better when she snuggles in close to me. Soon she will be better and will want nothing to do with me again and to tell the truth, that is OK with me!

Zero to Sixty

Why is it that little kids are like an emotional roller coaster?? They are like menopausal, bipolar, pubescent, menstrual, and tweens all rolled up into one hormonal little body all under the age of three! How is this possible?? Should I be dealing with this all now?? Don't I have more time?? I feel like I should have more time! Here we are sitting here having fun, enjoying ourselves and WHAM I have royally pissed off my daughter by merely looking at her wrong and she is throwing a fit of a life time, A LIFE TIME!! At these times it can be hard to stay calm, especially when the overly sensitive behavior has been going on for an hour and it's just getting to be extremely ridiculous! I should be able to look at my daughter with out her throwing herself on the floor, or touch her with out her squealing and screaming at me. Just when I am about to pack her up and send her back, she is fine. All smiles and happy and playing again like nothing ever happened. Is this a joke? Is this really happening to me? Is this officially the terrible twos?

Amie can be so sweet and loving, like my mother always told me ( she told me this A LOT), the nursery rhyme : there was a little girl with a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was really really good but when she was bad she was HORRID! Well, I can't believe that I was EVER that bad, but surely that nursery rhyme is Amie to the T! Is it true of all little girls? I'm sure there are children out there that are just horrid all the time ( I feel for those parents). But, during times like this when Amie is screaming and crying at me periodically all day long I could go insane! I feel my blood boiling, my face turning red, my blood pressure rising, and I scream at her , "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??". The truth is she doesn't know what she wants me to do or even what she wants to do about it. I see it upset her even more, then I feel down right terrible. I screamed at my baby during a moment of weakness. Have I scarred her for life?? Will she ever remember my red face, bursting in anger yelling at her? I feel like she will never forget. I now feel horrible despair. What if she grows up to hate me? I feel like a terrible parent, like a horrific mother. 90% of these times I just let it roll right off my back, and ignore her. But today, fits like these are very hard to take. it's like she continually pushes the "don't push" button over and over and over and over again.

Then, just now she goes and puts herself in bed for nap. She lays there quietly, singing to herself. Maybe a little scarred, maybe not. She is sweet now, and I only feel worse. Now she has forgotten, I feel a bit better, little kids are so resilient.

The Simple Life

Ya know, my daughter has it all. She has the best most simple life anybody could ask for. If I could just see for one minute the world how she sees it or think for just one second how she thinks, I believe I would be living in a constant bliss. Just this morning as Amie lay in bed next to me smiling, and talking about her boo boo that she got on her knee yesterday from her bike. Ever since she got her boo boo she hasn't stopped talking about it, how is it that something so little effects a little child for several days after?? Anyways, in mid sentence while talking about her boo boo she stopped and looked at her tummy. She watched it go up and down, up and down as she breathed. Then she put her hand on her tummy and watched her hand go up and down, up and down. She was absolutely fascinated by this. At that point I would have loved to know what she was thinking, what was going through that beautiful head of hers?

Just this morning I was going through some pictures on my digital camera and found several pictures that Amie had taken her self, secretly! She had probably thought that she had gotten away with it, but I had the whole crime scene that she caught on camera. I could see how she got on top the counter. Yup, she took a picture of it , she used her booster seat literally to boost her to the counter. Then she proceeded to take several pictures of her self, all by accident I'm sure. I have a picture of her eye, a picture of her nose, a partial picture of her face, a picture of her feet standing on the booster seat. I bet she had a blast. Then I think to myself, "what the hell was I doing that she was able to play with my camera for so long and then conceal the evidence for several days"?? I'm sure that when she put the camera back she had thought that she got away with it, I'm sure that she has forgotten that moment by now, or maybe not. Maybe she still thinks she's gotten away with it. As far as I am concerned it's done and over with no point in bringing it up. So yes, Amie did get away with an almost perfect crime. If only in the future when committing crimes she would do me the honor of catching it on the camera again. To live in a world where you commit a crime, get caught on camera and all if forgiven and forgotten.

To live in this simple happy world of hers where everyday she lives in the moment and at that moment she is obsessed with a boo boo, or elephants. For like a week strait when we were in CA all Amie could talk about was elephants and the noises they made. Everything everywhere was all about elephants! I wish I could have that again. Just live in the moment. Kids are so simple yet so complex at the same time. I think that's why they are so great!

Hubby

I am very blessed and I am very thankful that I am able to stay at home with my daughter and have a husband that respects and understands me enough to let me do what it is I do best. I feel like sometimes dads get the short end of the stick when it comes to that kinda stuff. Since I've started staying at home with Amie, Amie and I have a much greater bond than we ever did before. I find that Amie wants me when she feels sad or is hurt. She wants me to get her ready or change her diaper. She wants me to play with her and its not because my husband never does those things or doesn't want to do those things with her. It's because she spends so much time with me. It's because she only gets a few hours a day with daddy, and though those hours are mostly fun filled and she is thrilled to see him, she still prefers me. It does make me feel sad for my husband. I think that is makes him feel bad to sometimes. He doesn't ever say anything though, but I can sometimes see it in his eyes when she refuses to give him a hug or kiss and runs to me instead. I can't help but think that sometimes dads get a little left out. I know it breaks my heart when Amie wont come to me or give me hugs. To get rejected on a daily basis has got to be heart breaking for dads. It hurts me to see it happen.

Amie does love her daddy though. She screams when he comes home and runs to meet him at the door. She asks to kiss the picture of daddy hanging on the wall at home and talks about him during the day. She wont go to bed unless daddy has tucked her in and given her a good "Squeeze" and kisses goodnight. Amie loves her daddy very much and misses him everyday. Regardless of how Amie may sometimes act to her father I know she misses him and loves him very much. He is a huge part of her life. If he thinks its bad now, just wait till she's a tween. Let the good times roll then!

So TIERD!

Being just a stay at home mom is exhausting, but when you are an athletic and active stay at home mom like me it is even more exhausting! Right now I am in my prime, I'm 28 years old, I'm young, vibrant and must say beautiful, so why is it I am so tired? Being a stay at home mom is hardly work right? It doesn't quite qualify as a job. I don't think that a lot of people understand what a stay at home mom does all day, most think that we sit around and play all day. Well, I'm sorry to say, that, that is not the case. Not even close!

We are house keepers, the police force (keepers of the peace), personal chefs (and we don't even get tips!), personal chauffeurs , jesters (yet nobody is laughing), personal play mates, caregivers, doctors, therapists, accountants, and the dry cleaning service. Stay at home moms do all of these things yet, nobody really looks at stay at home moms as being even one of these things. If I charged for all of the things I did as a stay at home mom I would be a millionaire! Yet, I do all of these things out of the love, and kindness of my heart.

Not only do I do all of these things I also still manage to find time to train for a triathlon (which I am regretting right about now). My work outs have gotten ridiculous. Yesterday I worked out nearly two and a half hours and when I was done I could hardly move, yet I had to give Amie a bath, feed myself, put Amie to bed, then put myself to bed. But everything I do, I do because I love it so much. I am a capable person, I have no excuses. My legs work, I'm a fully functioning human being, so why not use every bit of my ability, every bit of of my energy and make something of myself? Do something that I love? I'd like to think that at some point it will get better, that maybe I wont always be this tired. I just hope that my daughter sees my drive, sees my fight, and does the same. I want her to fight for what she wants, to go out and take it.

That she doesn't quite because its "too hard". That when she sees what she wants, and wants it bad enough, and works hard enough she can have it, what ever it is.

I hope that one day I'm running races with her. I hope that one day I'm running a race with her and she passes me. I hope she excels in all that she does. I want her to see that Mom wasn't a quitter, that Mom was a fighter, and that she can be too. Yeah, I'm tired. Yeah, it sucks, for right now. But I'm happy, Amie's happy, my husbands happy and that is all that really matters ti me!

Love strokes

This morning I was sitting down and Amie walks up to me and gently strokes the side of my cheek with the palm her little hand. I looked at her kinda surprised, and as she looked at me smiling she opened her lips and softly said "Love you mommy!" I thought I was going to start bawling then and there. She has never told me that she loved me before with out me telling her first that I loved her. Then, she walked over to Daisy and stroked the side of Daisy's face and said, "Love you Daisy". Then she stroked her own cheek with the palm of her hand and said "Love you, awww!". What a sweet little girl I have raised! Just had to share!